two days ago i made an experience that had a great impact on me again. i dont really want to talk about it in particular but what happened made me change my way of thinking again and to look forward. it is spring, it s getting warmer, the birds are singing. this is not the best time to be sad. i should see things more relaxed, not always think about the past. you can only make things better in the future.
but actually i think i figured out what my main problem is and probably always was.
i was looking through some old stuff and found a letter that i wrote a few years ago (about 7 years). i wrote : "..., das ist zum beispiel, dass es mir wirklich sehr schwer faellt, zu sagen und vor allem zu zeigen, was ich fuehle, was letztendlich zu vielen missverstandnissen fuehrt" (that is for instance that i really have a hard time to speak about and especially to express my feelings, that causes many misunderstandings).
when i found that letter i was actually a little bit shocked because i didnt know that i already knew about that problem 7 years ago!! i totally forgot about that! i had seven years time but i did not work on that fundamental problem.
i think i know why i have this problem. i grew up with my mum only. i am the only child. i ve spent most of my time alone at home, watching tv, doing puzzles or whatever. i never learned how to show feelings, i didnt even know that it is important to show feelings. i took everything for granted ( my family spoiled me).
i have hurt many people by not expressing feelings like gratitude, commitment or love. i was always just the strong/cold girl, at least i seemed like that to other people. (although i laugh a lot and seem happy most of the time)
i will work on that because it will also make myself happier. dont take without giving.
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anyway, i decided to update my couchsurfing account. this website offers great opportunities for travellers around the world to get to know other people and to save some money by sleeping at other people s places. because i also love travelling and also surfed a couch before, i thought it might be nice to also offer my home as a place for travellers. i have my own apartment, a lot of space and time, so why not?
it took only 2 days and some guy from greece asked me if he can stay here. that was fast ^^. but i was happy and of course i agreed. this will be a great experience i guess. this funny guy will come on monday and will stay 2 or 3 nights. actually i dont really know how to handle that situation, that s why i am excited. i dont know how it will be to have some stranger at home, haha. but it ll be fun i hope.
then i will have to get my ass up to study more. this semester is pretty tough and i cant afford to be lazy. but i can tell now that when i finished my last korean exam i will have a great party ^^ never korean anymore please, haha.
also i want to look for some internships in malaysia and singapore (enough chinese there hehe). i am 23 and should not waste my time but see more of the world. i havent been to singapore yet but i really wanna go. i think a three months internship would be fine...let s see.
also i will look for some more master programs. it s maybe wiser to study somewhere where it s not so expensive, because i am not sure yet what i really wanna do and if i find out i dont like what i study it s not such a big deal to quit or change.
my friend got accepted at lund university in sweden. she will study delelopement studies there. tha t s so cool for her!! it s free and it s what she wants to do! hope i will also be so lucky :) but first finish my final bachelor thesis....AHHHHH
but actually i think i figured out what my main problem is and probably always was.
i was looking through some old stuff and found a letter that i wrote a few years ago (about 7 years). i wrote : "..., das ist zum beispiel, dass es mir wirklich sehr schwer faellt, zu sagen und vor allem zu zeigen, was ich fuehle, was letztendlich zu vielen missverstandnissen fuehrt" (that is for instance that i really have a hard time to speak about and especially to express my feelings, that causes many misunderstandings).
when i found that letter i was actually a little bit shocked because i didnt know that i already knew about that problem 7 years ago!! i totally forgot about that! i had seven years time but i did not work on that fundamental problem.
i think i know why i have this problem. i grew up with my mum only. i am the only child. i ve spent most of my time alone at home, watching tv, doing puzzles or whatever. i never learned how to show feelings, i didnt even know that it is important to show feelings. i took everything for granted ( my family spoiled me).
i have hurt many people by not expressing feelings like gratitude, commitment or love. i was always just the strong/cold girl, at least i seemed like that to other people. (although i laugh a lot and seem happy most of the time)
i will work on that because it will also make myself happier. dont take without giving.
----------------
anyway, i decided to update my couchsurfing account. this website offers great opportunities for travellers around the world to get to know other people and to save some money by sleeping at other people s places. because i also love travelling and also surfed a couch before, i thought it might be nice to also offer my home as a place for travellers. i have my own apartment, a lot of space and time, so why not?
it took only 2 days and some guy from greece asked me if he can stay here. that was fast ^^. but i was happy and of course i agreed. this will be a great experience i guess. this funny guy will come on monday and will stay 2 or 3 nights. actually i dont really know how to handle that situation, that s why i am excited. i dont know how it will be to have some stranger at home, haha. but it ll be fun i hope.
then i will have to get my ass up to study more. this semester is pretty tough and i cant afford to be lazy. but i can tell now that when i finished my last korean exam i will have a great party ^^ never korean anymore please, haha.
also i want to look for some internships in malaysia and singapore (enough chinese there hehe). i am 23 and should not waste my time but see more of the world. i havent been to singapore yet but i really wanna go. i think a three months internship would be fine...let s see.
also i will look for some more master programs. it s maybe wiser to study somewhere where it s not so expensive, because i am not sure yet what i really wanna do and if i find out i dont like what i study it s not such a big deal to quit or change.
my friend got accepted at lund university in sweden. she will study delelopement studies there. tha t s so cool for her!! it s free and it s what she wants to do! hope i will also be so lucky :) but first finish my final bachelor thesis....AHHHHH
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